


You Don’t Know What It’s Like

by huffpuffthree



Category: The 100 (TV), The 100 Series - Kass Morgan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/F, F/M, Futanari, G!P, Girl Penis, Lexa g!p, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-22
Updated: 2020-11-03
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:42:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 8,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25448563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/huffpuffthree/pseuds/huffpuffthree
Summary: I just want to go back to beforeWhen I didn’t know youAnd you didn’t hurt me...Clarke and Lexa are exes. This is the story of how they find their way back to each other. Clexa endgame. Slow-burn. Lexa g!p.
Relationships: Anya/Raven Reyes, Clarke Griffin/Lexa, Costia/Lexa (The 100), Finn Collins/Clarke Griffin (past), Gustus/Indra (The 100), Octavia Blake/Lincoln, minor Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin - Relationship
Comments: 44
Kudos: 305





	1. Chapter 1

“I just want to go back to before. When I didn’t know you. And you didn’t hurt me,” Anya recited over the phone. “Gross, Lexa, even for you.”

“Rude, Anya, even for you,” Lexa deadpanned. “Did you hack into my Google docs?”

“You made the mistake of not logging out on my laptop the last time.” Lexa cursed under her breath.

“How are you holding up?” Anya asked with genuine concern. “You kinda...” she paused as she looked for the right word, “disappeared on us there, cous.”

Lexa sighed quietly. “Uhhh yeah, I’m sorry...”

“Don’t be,” Anya interjected. “I know it’s hard for you now...”

_7 Months Earlier..._

_“C’mon Lexa, it’s karaoke night. You love karaoke night,” Anya pleaded. “Plus, it’s at a sorority. You know what that means...”_

_Lexa reasoned, “I have an exam early tomorrow morning, Anya.”_

_“You’re in college. What are you doing if not partying?” The dirty blonde protested._

_Lexa laughed. “You’re right,” her tone dripping with sarcasm, “because what else is there to do except party.” She sighed, “Just this once.”_

_Anya’s eyes lit up with excitement as they rushed to get ready for the party._

...

There's a light

A certain kind of light

That never shone on me

_The whole room was swaying to the slow rhythm of the song_.

I want my life to be

Lived with you

Lived with you

_Clarke looked up from her folded hands to find the owner of that angelic voice. She wiped the tears from her eyes as she squinted at the makeshift stage._

There's a way

Everybody say

To do each and every little thing

_The girl currently singing was beautiful, even though her eyes were closed to focus on the song_.

But what does it bring

If I ain't got you

If I ain't got?

_As the song flowed into the chorus, the girl on stage opened her eyes to lock with Clarke’s._

You don't know what it's like, baby

You don't know what it's like

To love somebody

To love somebody

The way I love you

_All Clarke could think of was the piercing green of those eyes. For a moment there, Clarke forgot why she was crying. Her eyes were trained on every little action of the mystery girl. She was standing still, but not stiff; confident, but not proud. Their eyes meet for a sensual pas de deux for the remainder of the song._

You don't know what it's like, baby

You don't know what it's like

To love somebody

To love somebody

_The song slowed towards the end._

To love somebody

To love somebody

The way that I love you

_Cheers and whoops were heard from around the room as Lexa stepped off the stage._

_Anya handed her a beer, “Nice one, cous.”_

_Lexa thanked her. “I’m gonna go talk to her,” she said as she gestured to a blonde girl at the bar with her head in her arms._

_“Noooo, the crying girl?” Anya asked. “Bad idea. How you gonna pork? Also, do you really want listen to a girl cry all night?”_

_Lexa chuckled, “Okay, um, first off, never say pork again. Second of all, maybe that’s not what I want tonight.”_

_“What about sporking?” At Lexa’s confused expression, she explained. “Some spooning after you pork.”_

_Lexa almost spits her drink, “That’s literally the worst portmanteau in the history of ever.”_

_“I get that you’re in a hurry to rid yourself of your cumbersome virginity, cous.” Some girls that came up to compliment Lexa for the song chuckled at that. Anya gave her a pointed look. “But I don’t.”_

_“You do you, Lexa. Don’t say I didn’t warn ya,” Anya said as she walked off._

_Lexa tussled her way through the crowd of sweaty bodies to the bar, almost falling on the girl when some guys stumbled into her._

_“Sorry.” Clarke looked up to find emerald orbs._

_“Hi. I’m Lexa,” Lexa said as she put on her most charming smile._

_Clarke wiped her eyes with her sleeve._

_“Clarke Griffin, fourth year med student,” she introduced herself._

_Lexa smiled wider at that. “Mmm a smarty pants. Crying at a party, huh? Tell me who to avoid.”_

_Clarke chuckled before sniffling, “I’m sorry, I just got dumped, and my sorority was throwing this party, and my friend doesn’t want me out of her sight.”_

_Lexa looked around the room before taking Clarke’s hand and leading her upstairs into an empty bedroom._

_“What’s your ex’s name?” Lexa inquired._

_“Finn.” Clarke replied._

_Lexa has her back turned towards Clarke as she moved around the bedroom. The blonde sat down on the bed patiently. Then Lexa turned around and pulled a pillow from behind her back. Duct tape is stuck across the top with the word ‘Finn’ written on it._

_Lexa held the pillow in front of her face and moved towards Clarke._

_“Hi, I’m Finn and I’m really stupid. I let this beautiful, smart, nay, smexy girl out of my life. I deserve to be pelted, scourged, flogged, and other kinds of medieval torture that is in no way sexual.”_

_Clarke cracked up._

_“Finn doesn’t talk like that,” Clarke said._

_“Well,” Lexa sat on the bed beside her, “I don’t know Finn. And he’s not exactly the person I’m trynna get to know right now.”_

_They were so close, Lexa could smell the sweet scent of Clarke’s perfume. Forest green orbs flicked down to pink lips, then back up to meet ocean eyes. Lexa sat there, crippled by the sudden intolerable urge to kiss the blonde before her._

_When their lips were a mere inch apart, Lexa spoke up. “You gonna punch the pillow, or what?” her eyes still glued to soft pink lips._

_Clarke made a lazy jab at the pillow before bringing a hand up to Lexa’s face and meeting her lips with her own in a sweet kiss._

...

“Lex? Lexa!” Anya repeated to get Lexa’s attention.

“Y-yea?” She must have zoned out again, it happened a lot recently.

“Me and Raven’s housewarming party. You coming?” Anya sounded a little irritated.

“I’ll be there,” Lexa replied.

“Good. Also, wear something nice, there’s gonna be single ladies there.”

“Hmm ok.”

”Take it easy.” Anya said with genuine concern.

”Ok, bye.” Lexa said as she hung up the phone.


	2. 50

Clarke sat on the bed as Lexa clacked away at her desk.

“What’re you doing?” Clarke asked as she got up from the bed and moved towards Lexa.

“Writing,” came Lexa’s curt answer.

“And thinking about me, apparently,” Clarke said as she delicately perched herself on the desk.

“Yea well,” Lexa paused, “It’d be cruel not to.”

“I’m not you.”

At Clarke’s raised eyebrow, she continued. “How can I forget, after all we’ve been through?”

Clarke lifted her hand to push back a few strands of hair from Lexa’s face.

“Don’t touch me,” Lexa said.

The blonde chortled, “I’m a figment of your imagination, Lex. I do what you want me to.”

Lexa sighed and turned to face imaginary Clarke.

“Before you, I was just fooling around because I resigned myself to the belief that no one will ever love me because of my... condition. But I took a chance on us. For a moment there, I believed in love. Those walls t-that I spent 22 years building fell at your feet.” Lexa chuckled darkly, “How fucking stupid of me.”

...

_7 months earlier_

_“That was fun,” Clarke said with a smile._

_They had been hanging out at the bar. Since that party, it seemed that Clarke’s trio had melded with Lexa’s own in perfect unison._ _The six of them did everything together since. When Clarke called it a night because of an early morning the next day, Lexa decided -in a show of chivalry- to walk her back to her apartment whilst the others continued their night._

_“This is me,” Clark_ e _said stopping at her door before turning around to face Lexa._

_Lexa leaned in and placed a chaste kiss on a rosy cheek._

“ _Goodnight,” Lexa smiled._

_Clarke pulled Lexa’s shirt and clashed her lips against Lexa’s in a heated kiss. When the need for oxygen became apparent, Lexa leaned down and connected their foreheads. Clarke’s hand trailed from the brunette’s face to her chest._

_“Stay.”_

_..._

_They entered the apartment in a flurry of kisses. Lexa lifted Clarke up and carried her to the bedroom. They were making out furiously on the bed when Clarke pulled away._

_“Wha- n-no. You don’t have to do that,” The blonde pushed Lexa back down on the bed as she began her descend._

_Lexa lifted her hips to help Clarke remove her tight jeans along with her boxers._

_“You’re beautiful, Lex,” Clarke said as she kissed the tip of Lexa’s aching cock._

_“You’re a medical marvel.” Another kiss._

_“Has no one ever done this for you?” inquired the blonde before taking the tip into her warm, wet mouth._

_Lexa was helpless but to groan in pleasure as she pushed blonde locks that were shielding Clarke’s face. This was an image she had to keep forever._

_“I’ve never had anyone that I liked do this for me,” Lexa only responded after finding the strength to speak again._

_And Clarke locked that precious piece of information away in her mind._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was cold, it was dark  
> You were cruel, you were fake  
> Hoping for kindness  
> Was my greatest mistake


	3. 57

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa meets Abby.

Lexa and Lincoln stared at each other in an attempt at intimidation as they touched gloves.

“You ready to have your ass whooped?” Lincoln asked with a smirk.

“Anytime. But only in bed. And not by you,” Lexa quipped.

The bald man chuckled.

Lexa taunted him, “Make it hurt.”

...

“You ok, there, Lex? That’s the second time I knocked you off your feet.” Lincoln was visibly concerned.

Even though Lincoln was taller and bulkier than Lexa, they both knew that the latter was more dexterous. Lexa was undefeated when it came to sparring.

Lincoln stretched out his hand for Lexa to take.

“I’m fine.”

Lexa stood up, but clearly had trouble putting weight on her right foot. After looking closer, Lincoln could make out partially-healed cuts and bruises all over her legs.

“I didn’t do that,” Lincoln pointed at the wounds.

“No- yea, I was running downhill when I tripped over myself,” Lexa explained.

“I’m fine,” she repeated.

“Let’s get you checked out,” Lincoln frowned.

“I said-“ Lexa started.

Lincoln interjected, “Do this for me, Lex. I just need to know you’re okay.”

Lexa begrudgingly obliged.

...

“Lexa Woods? Doctor Harris is ready for you.” The nurse called out.

Lexa stood up to follow the nurse into the doctor’s office. She passed by a familiar face but paid it no mind.

“Lexa?” Abby said in surprise. “I got this,” she said to the nurse, dismissing her before Lexa could protest.

“Just a regular check-up,” Abby said to no one in particular. Then she turned to Lexa, “C’mon, this way.”

...

“Go ahead and sit on the examination table and lift up your shirt for me,” the doctor directed.

“You’ll need stitches for this laceration,” Abby said as she pressed on Lexa’s ribs. “Does this hurt?”

Lexa shook her head.

“Why are you doing this?” She asked.

“I really liked you, Lexa,” Abby smiled nostalgically.

“Those guys that Clarke brings around; Finn, Bellamy, they’re nice. But you’re kind. There’s a difference. Beneath all the tough exterior that you flaunt, you have a kind, pure heart. And you truly love her. I can tell. Clarke...” Abby sighed, “she doesn’t know what love is. That’s why she can’t recognize it, even though it’s hit her in the face. Give it time, she’ll learn eventually.”

“With all due respect, Abby, I deserve better than to be someone’s backup plan,” Lexa said.

“You’re right, Lexa,” Abby continued. “You can find someone else. I don’t doubt that you can. But you and I both know that you’ll never find the love that you had with my daughter.”

“Some people spend a lifetime searching for it, but don’t even come close to the love that you shared,” Abby sighed.

“Do me a favor, Lex. Don’t give up on her,” Abby implored.

Lexa chuckled darkly, “You should say these things to her.”

“How much do I owe you?” Lexa asked, getting up from the examination table.

“Nothing,” Abby stated as she handed her prescription.

With that, Lexa muttered her thanks and left.

...

“She never loved you, Lex.”

The brunette looked at the man over the rim of her glass of beer.

“If she did, she would have fought to stay.”

Lexa took a big gulp of her beer.

“Doesn’t matter much now, does it?” Lexa commented.

“I know she’s Octavia’s best friend, but you deserve better cous. You deserve...” He turned around scanning the bar before smiling at a girl on his left, shook her hand and whispered something to her before turning back to face Lexa.

“Costia.” The beautiful girl smiled sweetly at Lexa and offered her hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tried to give you all of me  
> I thought that was what love was for  
> I tried to be your everything  
> And I guess I lost myself


	4. 61 pt. 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They meet.

“Hmm... Philosophy major at TonDC U, graduated summa cum laude...” A man dressed to the nines said as he sat in the seat across from an equally well-dressed Lexa.

Lexa smiled charmingly at him- Marcus Kane, as he introduced himself before the interview.

Lexa sighed before speaking, “I get it. I’m sure there are plenty of applicants out that door that have better qualifications than me.” She pointed at the door to her right.

“But let me tell you something,” Lexa continued respectfully. “Yesterday I watched a movie where Jason Segal was doing the thing where his man boobs were moving. I watched a YouTube video and two minutes later, I could do a pec bounce.”

“That’s what separates me from others, Mr. Kane. I’ve never had anything fall in my lap. Growing up in a broken home, I had to teach myself a lot of things. I may not have gone to an Ivy-League school, but I assure you, I’m a fast learner and a go-getter. I _want_ to work at Trikru Enterprises because I share the company’s vision for innovation. I personally feel that my skill set is adequately suited for this company.”

“Very well,” Marcus said with a stoic face. “We’ll let you know if you got the job.”

Lexa got up, thanked the man, and left.

_Anya: the party’s @ 8. don’t be late_

_Lexa: of course. it’s cool if costia comes right?_

_Anya: ur new chick? sure, just don’t do it in our bathroom ;)_

Lexa rolled her eyes and chuckled at her phone.

...

The party was already thumping when Lexa arrived with a toaster oven in hand. The party was bigger than expected. More than half in attendance were people she didn’t know.

“Hey Lexa!!” Raven shouted over the music. She manoeuvred her way through the crowd to get to Lexa.

“Nice place,” Lexa said.

“Thanks. You’re looking dapper,” Raven gestured to Lexa’s suit. “How did the interview go?” Raven small-talked.

“Pretty good, I’m feeling confident.” She held up the toaster oven, “This is for you.”

“Great, just put it in the bedroom. It’s down the hallway on the right. Can’t miss it,” the latina instructed.

Lexa nodded and weaved through the crowd of sweaty bodies, greeting some people along the way.

The door opened as Lexa reached for the knob.

“Hey,” came the breathy greeting.

Green eyes shifted as it took in Clarke’s beautiful, once-familiar face. She was still as breath-taking as the first time Lexa laid her eyes on her.

The brunette stood stock still. Her body was actively fighting the urge to both fall into the blonde’s arms and to flee to safety.

Lexa simply nodded at the blonde. It took all of her strength to do that. She moved past the blonde to put the gift on the bed.

Clarke hadn’t moved from her spot, but turned around to face Lexa. She silently studied the brunette who was visibly uncomfortable.

A phone call broke their trance.

“Excuse me,” Lexa said as she left the room.

...

“Oh, thank God. That was so awkward,” Lexa whispered as she answered her phone outside the apartment. The music was way too loud for her to hear anything else.

“Ms. Woods, this is Marcus Kane. You left quite the impression on me earlier today.”

“Thank you for saying that,” Lexa responded.

“...We’ll be delighted to have you at Trikru Enterprises. I look forward to seeing you around.”

Lexa gasped quietly. Excitement running through her veins.

“Thank you. You won’t be disappointed,” Lexa said professionally then clicked to end the call.

Lexa re-entered the apartment and told Anya the good news.

The ombré-haired woman got up on the kitchen counter and repeatedly tapped her beer bottle with a fork to get the people’s attention.

“Everyone raise a glass. Lexa here, just got a job offer at Trikru,” Anya announced. Lexa rolled her eyes at Anya’s antics.

Trikru Enterprises became a household name and a multi-million dollar company within five years of its conception. Its founder, Thelonius Jaha, was a TonDC native, and had since become the pride of the state. It was no wonder that cheers and whoops were heard around the room.

Just then, Costia emerged from the sea of unfamiliar faces. She threw her arms around Lexa’s neck to bring her in for a hug.

“Congratulations,” she said before kissing Lexa on the lips.

Lexa’s eyes widened in shock. It’s only been 4 days since they first met, and they agreed to take things slow. But Lexa figured that it would look weird if she reacted badly, so she closed her eyes and leaned into the kiss.

What she missed was a pair of jealous blue eyes.

...

Lexa watched as Clarke laughed at something Bellamy said from the corner of her eyes.

Raven plopped herself in front Lexa.

“Do that some more, you’re gonna start looking like this,” the Latina smiled creepily and darted her eyes left to right crazily.

Lexa laughed heartedly. It’s been a while since she’s laughed openly. Something about having the whole gang in the room made her feel a little less weird, and a little more whole.

“Feels weird, you know,” Lexa started.

Raven hummed.

“I had nothing when she left. No job, no love, no money, my biological mother died. ” Lexa sighed.

“I just landed my dream job. Apparently, I have a girlfriend now,” she paused. “I should be happy, but I’m not. I hate that I’m not.”

Raven placed a hand on Lexa’s knee. “You know I’ve known Clarke for 9 years. She was different with you. Bellamy’s nice,” the Latina chuckled to herself. “He buys us pizza. Stuffed crust. But he’s just a cop out. You scare her, Lex.”

Lexa hummed. “I’m gonna get some air,” she said before stepping out onto the balcony.

The view of the city from the apartment was spectacular, but it did little to relieve the inner turmoil within Lexa.

She heard the glass door slide open but paid it no mind.

“Lexa,” came Clarke’s breathy sigh.

The brunette turned around to face the blonde before turning her back to her once more.

“Jumped onto the nearest dick there, huh?” Lexa said before taking a sip of beer.

Lexa heard the clap of Clarke’s hand against her left cheek. The force of it almost threw her back.

“Fuck you.”

Lexa looked unaffected. “Am I wrong? You did the same to me.”

Perhaps it was the fact that she was on her eigth bottle of beer for the night that made her so brazen. Or maybe, it was the knowledge that if she didn't push the blonde away, she would be pulling her into arms, and that would not do.

Clarke chuckled darkly.

"Goodbye Lexa," Clarke said with bitter finality, then went back inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember not to get too close to stars  
> They’re never gonna give you love like ours


	5. 61-62

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they fuck ? also i pay tribute to my fav game.

“Mhmm Lexa...” Clarke moaned.

“You missed me,” Lexa said without losing rhythm on her thrusts. It was a statement disguised as a question by the inflection Lexa made at the end.

Those three words could very well have been an effort to convince herself that the blonde’s ministrations weren’t merely a result of her drunkenness.

“Unhh... yess,” Clarke responded.

Lexa’s heart swelled in her chest and she kissed her tenderly.

“Don’t stop,” Clarke gasped. “I’m close.”

Lexa manoeuvred Clarke’s left leg to wrap around her hips.

She sped up her thrusts as Clarke clawed at her back.

“Fucckkk!” Clarke cried out as her orgasm hit her like a freight train. Her body quaked with the force of her release.

Meanwhile, Lexa clutched the base of her cock with an iron grip to keep from cumming. It definitely wasn’t easy, what with engulfed by Clarke’s velvety inner walls- walls that further contracted upon approaching climax. But Lexa didn’t let herself cum. She shouldn’t- won’t ruin their lives by making a drunken mistake, though she was tempted to. A part of her wanted so badly to have something that would tie her to Clarke forever. Then she remembered that her existence didn’t stop her father from leaving her mother. Neither did it prevent the latter from gently placing her infant body on the doorstep of Indra and Gustus’. She always promised herself that she would do better.

Lexa kept thrusting lazily as Clarke rode out her euphoria. When the fluttering of the blonde’s pussy started slowing down, an insistent hand on her chin goaded her to peer into cerulean eyes.

“Cum inside,” Clarke said before placing a tender kiss on soft lips.

Lexa shook her head no.

Clarke kissed her again determinedly.

Lexa didn’t know if it was the soft hand stroking her neck or the fact that Clarke’s new boyfriend was right outside the door and it very easily could’ve been him in this elegant bathroom instead of her. Clarke was her kryptonite. She made her weak. Being sheathed safely inside of her made Lexa _powerless_.

The brunette started a slow rhythm once again.

_34 minutes earlier..._

_It was 4:37 a.m. The party had winded down gradually until it was just the gang... and Bellamy... and Costia._

_Lexa would deny with every bone in her body that the atmosphere felt off. "Why would it be weird?" she would ask rhetorically. But God, was it awkward. If not for her, then for everyone else left in that pastel-painted living room._

_"Hey, that slap was brutal," Lincoln sat down beside Lexa. "Hehe you got hit by a girl."_

_For all his baldness and bulging veins from equally bulging muscles, drunk Lincoln was a full-on child._

_"I'm a girl," Lexa retorted anusedly._

_"Ye but," the man shifted his eyes to Lexa's crotch and gave her a pointed look._

_Lexa laughed it off and moved to get some water._

_"No! It's time for..." he patted his lap with both hands repeatedly as if performing a drumroll before pointing at the tv. "Overcooked."_

_The group's infatuation with the game began one day when_ _Anya was in a video game store and chanced upon this seemingly juvenile game. She kicked the door of the apartment she used to share with Lexa down, and the two sat down and spent 31 hours playing it, nevermind the fact that they were both in their final year of college. Eventually, Octavia got hooked on it as well, then Raven... then Clarke... and of course, Lincoln. They put their money in a pile, and bought 2 TVs- because the maximum number of players was at 4 and not 6-, 2 games, and 6 controllers._

_"Yes!!" the ombre-haired yelled from all the way across the room. She held her arms up triumphantly and stalked towards the pair purposefully before plopping herself loudly beside Lexa on the couch._

_"You," she pointed at Lexa, "and you," then at Clarke, "behave. You will_ not _ruin this."_

_She cracked her head from side to side and cracked her knuckles dramatically. "Serve's up, kiddo."_

...

_"Let's let the newbies choose their teammate," Anya announced._

_"Ladies first," Bellamy gestured chivalrously at Costia._

_"I pick Lexa."_

_Raven commented, "Surprise, surprise."_

_"I pick Clarke then," Bellamy said._

_"Looks like we're two for two," Raven said in her commentator voice._

_"Here you go," Clarke passed a controller to Costia who was seated beside Lexa._

_Costia thanked her in kind._

_..._

_The game started without a hitch and the other four-Anya, Raven, Octavia, and Lincoln- had their own game going on the other side of the room on a different monitor. It was chaos galore. Raven and Octavia could be heard across the room shouting out orders at each other while the Woods sat back to watch._

_"Okay, just pass me the onion, Costia." Lexa sounded awfully formal, but she didn't care. She had known the girl a total of four days-well, if you count tonight, five. Lexa geniunely liked the girl. She was sweet, kind, heck she worked at Trikru as well._ She just isn't Clarke, said a voice in her head. _Lexa tried her darnedest, but she just couldn't seem to forget the blonde-haired, blue-eyed beauty. And it didn't seem right to her to be with someone while thinking of another. But, maybe she was overthinking it._

 _If Lexa was being honest with herself, it hurt like a motherfucker. It wasn't fair that Clarke was off... philandering while she was left to pick up the pieces. S_ _eeing Bellamy wrap his arms around Clarke as she sat on his lap ignited something within Lexa that she thought she had finally put to rest._

_"Here, just put the carrot in the pot," Lexa directed. Boy, was Costia bad at this. Lexa felt bad for feeling this way, but she was always competitive and they were currently losing._

_They lost. But Lexa didn't want to scare the girl off, so she just said that it was okay._

_At some point between games, Clarke left to grab a drink. When she returned and started another game, it would appear that her controller got switched with Costia's. They both must've left it on the couch and took the other's by mistake._

_Bellamy, newly addicted to the game decided to just team up with Costia instead. That left Clarke and Lexa in a team._

_If Lexa thought that her previous team was bad, she's worse off now._

_The fact that their last interaction was mainly one of Clarke's hand meeting with Lexa's right cheek, there was little to no room for any sort of social exchange. While Bellamy and Costia were communicating excitedly-as the game required, Clarke and Lexa sat in emotionally-charged silence. Her goal of winning long-forgotten, Lexa simply sat in wait for her inevitable defeat._

_Clarke and Lexa used to be the undefeated pair. Clarke's enthusiasm plus Lexa's composure brought them victory every round, ensuring their opponents' sulky expressions when they would gloat._

_"Yes!!" came Costia's exhilaration. They won by a landslide, no surprises there. Lexa simply smiled at her and kissed her cheek. "I'm gonna hit the can," the brunette informed. To which, Costia nodded._

_After Lexa emptied her bladder, she heard a knock on the bathroom door._

_It was Clarke._

...

Lexa's stuttering hips signaled her imminent release. She placed a chaste kiss on pink lips and leaned her forehead against Clarke's. She reveled in the light scratches at her neck, the way Clarke clutched her ass to feel her dick deeper, the sounds of pleasure she elicited from the blonde. It felt as if nothing had changed, as if no hearts had been broken and they were just two college kids, so in love and blinded to the miseries of the world. But although slightly hidden behind her smolder, hurt was still visible in tired green eyes; eyes that had been overused in attempt to extinguish the pain.

Lexa rubbed Clarke's clit vigorously as they both climaxed. Cumming inside of the blonde was something she could never get enough of.

She then abruptly pulled out and knelt on the floor to lick the blonde's pussy. The taste of their combined juices was intoxicating. "Don't stop," Clarke grasped Lexa's head as she was plunged into her third orgasm for the night. 

...

It would appear Raven and Octavia had grown bored of their partners and were facing off against Bellamy and Costia, thus creating pandemonium, while Anya and Lincoln were having a little one on one. Clarke and Lexa's absence were barely noticed, or so they assume.

The night ended soon enough and everyone left. After Lexa dropped Costia off at her apartment, her phone pinged.

_Unknown number: Hey_

_Do you wanna get brunch?_

_Lexa: Sure_

_/contact saved_

_Clarke: say, 11?_

_Lexa: Alright_

_Clarke: Okay, see you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Old flames, they can't warm you tonight  
> So keep it cool, my baby


	6. 62-64

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lexa moves on

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Go ahead and break my heart again  
> Leave me wonderin' why the hell I ever let you in

Lexa checked herself in the mirror. She wore the white button down that Clarke used to love and left the top buttons undone.

Lexa didn't know what she was doing or why she was about to do what she was about to do. Last night confused the fuck out of her, she didn't know where she stood with the blonde after their... shenanigans. All she knew was that she _needed_ to be near Clarke again; to feel her warmth, to see her smile. 

Once content with her own appearance, the brunette left for the restaurant with a particular pep in her step. Lexa bought a single rose from a vendor on the way and held it up to smell the flower. 

Lexa's heart rate picked up in her chest as she caught sight of that familiar menu board. The restaurant was one that Clarke and Lexa frequented in the past. Their quiches were to die for. As Lexa grabbed the door handle, she saw through the window- a feature of the restaurant they used to love and enjoy when the brunette would come up with silly backstories for passers-by, Bellamy seated opposite the blonde with his back toward the entrance. Lexa stopped short. It was then that Clarke noticed the brunette at the door. Their eyes met, and the old flames spoke without words. 

Lexa dropped the stalk in her hand and trampled it as she turned around and walked away. Her strides increased as her walk turned into a slow jog, then into a full-on sprint. She didn't know where she was going; she didn't know if she was going home, or if she was even headed in the right direction. She just knew that she needed to get away as far as possible, as quickly as possible. Thoughts raced through her mind as her legs did the same. Somehow, she got back to her apartment without trying to. 

Her phone buzzed in the back pocket of her jeans.

Clarke: I can explain.  
Lexa: there's no need.  
lose my number

Over the weekend, Lexa cried, drank; did everything in the world she knew would make herself feel better. She got rid of everything in her apartment that reminded her of Clarke to purge the blonde out of her system because come Monday, she was going to suit up, and go to her first day at her dream job. And she was going to crush it.  
...

"Hold it!" Lexa said as she stumbled into the elevator. She pressed the button but it refused to light up.

"Marketing right?" A gangly man asked to which Leda nodded.

"You're on thirteen. Thirty's for exec's," he stated. 

"I'm Jasper. I'm in marketing too," he held out his hand.

The brunette took his offered hand, "Lexa. It's my first day."

"You'll do great," the floppy-haired man said. Just then, a familiar face walked in.

"Hey," Costia smiled at Lexa then tapped a card and pressed thirty on the lift button. 

"You were incommunicado the past couple of days," Costia stated more than asked. 

"Uh...yes. I wasn't feeling well," Lexa replied. "I'm better now."

"Good." The lift stopped at the thirteenth storey and Lexa exited with Jasper.

The two walked together a little way before Jasper broke the silence. "Way to get ahead," he joked, then strutted off.   
...

The big clock opposite Lexa's cubicle flashed 21:00 in bright red on a black backdrop as she continued clacking away on her computer. The floor was mostly empty as most employees filed out once it was 5 P.M., but not Lexa. She was determined to prove her worth at her new job.

"Hard at work?" Costia sauntered in with a smirk. 

Lexa chuckled, "No, just finishing up some paperwork."

Costia walked over and wrapped her arms around Lexa's neck. "Wanna hang out later?"

Lexa sighed and put some distance between them. "Look, I think you're amazing. But I'm not in the position to be with anyone now. I don't think it's fair to be in a relationship with you whilst thinking of someone else."

"Is it Clarke?" 

"How did yo-"

"Your chemistry is off the charts, albeit explosive," Costia chortled, thinking back to the loud slap. 

She pursed her lips in thought before speaking, "I understand."

"See you later. Your place," Costia ordered authoritatively, leaving no space for argument and sashayed away with extra swing in her hips.  
...

Lexa looked up at Costia as she bounced in her lap. She's truly beautiful, she thought, with her hair in a messy bun and lower lip tucked between her teeth. In another life, Lexa would have fallen for her. She shook her head to put away thoughts of a certain blonde and focus on the girl on top of her. Lexa reached up to pinch Costia's nipple who then threw her head back. Lexa slapped the chestnut-haired girl on her ass, further egging her on. 

Even though Costia wasn't her direct superior, Lexa knew that nothing good could come from sleeping with her boss. Well, apart from _one_ thing. Lexa was sick and tired of sitting around and wallowing in misery. 

Lexa didn't know if it was the light grip on her throat or the heavenly harmony of a bubble butt hitting her thighs, but the brunette was impossibly turned on. Perhaps it was the fact that she hadn't been touched by someone else in over two months (apart from that night) that had her dick rock-hard. 

She almost forgot how good it felt to be kissed, and to be chosen by someone. She had almost forgotten what it was like to enjoy another's company. After her break-up, Lexa completely withdrew herself from everyone. If Clarke thought Lexa was closed off before, her departure caused the brunette to burrow further into her cocoon of solitude.

Clarke tore down her walls as easily as she helped build it back up (higher this time). Their split reinforced her previously-abandoned motto to 'trust no bitch'. However, this time will be different- Lexa promised herself, because Costia only wanted her body- something she was still in possession of. 

Sensing that Lexa was distracted, Costia leaned down to kiss the brunette, never slowing down her gyrating hips in the process. Lexa stirred from her thoughts and kissed the girl back, then planted her feet on the mattress and pumped her hips to meet Costia's own. 

Their movements turned erratic as they both steadily approached their peaks. Lexa felt the tell-tale tightening of the girl's pussy around her member and pulled out just as they both climaxed. 

"Mhmm, that's a lot of cum," Costia said as she kissed the brunette before placing a hand on her neck and pushing her back down possibly for another round.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hmu for porn recs


	7. 72

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Love is when you give someone else the power to destroy you, and you trust them not to do it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> angst alert. some costia x lexa scenes + surprise ending

Lexa clacked away busily on her keyboard while Costia walked out of their shared bedroom in nothing but a band tee. She plopped herself on the desk beside Lexa's laptop and crossed then uncrossed her legs to get the brunette's attention. Lexa's emerald orbs traveled the expanse of exposed alabaster skin before once more focusing on the task at hand.

"No," was all Lexa said.

Costia then hopped off the desk and set herself in Lexa's lap, kissing her neck.

Lexa sighed half in pleasure and half in annoyance, "Cos... I need to have this report ready for Kane by tomorrow."

Costia pulled back to look into forest green eyes seriously. "I'll tell Marcus there was an emergency."

"And if he finds out that "emergency" was not in fact an emergancy?" Lexa raised her right eyebrow at the girl in her lap.

"He won't," Costia whispered in Lexa's ear, sending a shiver down the latter's spine.

Lexa pushed her laptop to the side to prevent an accident before connecting her lips with the other girl's.

_Knock knock knock_

Lexa detached her lips to face the door. She moved to get up but the girl in her lap wouldn't let her.

"Ignore it," Costia turned Lexa's head back towards her with a finger under her chin.

_Knock knock knock_

"Could be important," Lexa said before lifting Costia up and placing her back down in the chair she was just sitting in.

Lexa placed a sweet kiss on Costia's lips. "Be right back," she smiled.

The brunette swung the door open but looked back at Costia once more, not noticing the blonde at her doorstep.

"Hi."

That familiar voice hit her like a freight train. She swiveled her head around, hoping against hope that it wasn't (was) her...

"I broke up with Bellamy," the voice spoke again.

"Clarke..." Lexa breathed. "What are you doing here?"

Then she remembered the half-naked girl in her apartment, and closed the door behind her.

"Let's not do this here," Lexa said before walking down the hallway with the blonde in tow.

The brunette kept walking until they were both on the streetside pavement.

"Is this far enough? Your girlfriend still might hear us from here," Clarke joked. "She's lovely, by the way."

Lexa spun around and stared at the blonde for a minute.

"What are you doing here?" Lexa repeated.

"I broke up with Bellamy."

"Yes," the brunette sighed, "You said that already."

"I want to be with you." Lexa chuckled darkly, "Funny."

She sighed before saying, "I imagined this exact situation _everyday_ since you left. Not a single day went by where I didn't think about you."

"But I can't be with you..."

"I- I can't be with someone that walks out at the first sign of trouble. I need someone reliable."

It was Clarke's turn to laugh then. "First sign?"

"I'm sorry, I know I put you through a lot, but my mom just died, Clarke. I'm sorry I didn't bring you breakfast in bed."

"No, Lexa, you had your time to mourn. Trust me, I know all about that." Clarke's father died when she was eighteen.

"But there came a time when your mourning just turned to moping. And here you were, pushing me, Indra, and Anya- people who actually care about you- away over a woman who never cared to spend a single minute outside of your birth to get to know you."

"I tried everything, Lex. Until I couldn't take it anymore..."

Lexa whispered, "Her death didn't break me as much as you did."

"You left me when I needed you the most; packed everything, and left without a word."

Clarke sobbed.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry... I know there's nothing I can do or say to justify my actions but," the blonde wiped her eyes with her sleeve , "Being with Bellamy showed me that the time we had together- albeit short- was the only time I truly felt loved."

Clarke took a step towards the brunette tentatively, afraid she might scare the other girl off. She slowly reached up to cup Lexa's face. "I love you, Lexa."

Lexa peered into the blonde's now-reddened eyes. "How will I know you won't leave? You've done it once. You could do it again."

Clarke sighed, "What can I do? To make it up to you." She searched the brunette's eyes beseechingly.

"I love you, Clarke. But how can I forget?" Lexa had an impeccable memory. She could eerily recall conversations from decades prior. It was a 'superpower' that was highly useful; sometimes joyous, sometimes painful. Clarke knew little of what happened to Lexa post-breakup. As far as she knew, Lexa could very well have fallen off the face of the earth. She'd overhead Anya's whispered worries about Lexa, but nothing more. From what she could tell, the brunette was definitely changed. No longer light-hearted and carefree, was she.

Lexa sighed, "Clarke, you were miserable. So was I. I love you... and sometimes that means letting go."

"Goodbye, Clarke." Lexa kissed Clarke fully on the lips before stalking off, tears flowing freely from viridescent orbs.

She could vaguely hear the blonde call out for her. But so focused, was she on replaying the events that just transpired, that she didn't notice the rapidly approaching cement truck. Before she knew it, her body was flung across the quiet TonDC street.


	8. 76

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 0,0

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im seeing a common theme in the comments section regarding lexa's behavior. just wanna inject a lil perspective. feel free to disagree with said perspective if u do. i dont know how many of u have dealt with loss. i have. everyone handles grief differently and i think it's safe to say that no one really gets over it. the death of lexa's mum signalled a permanent incompletion of a certain chapter in her life. she's wanted to know the woman her whole life and the first time she met her was at her funeral. clarke dealt with jake's death considerably better, no doubt. he was a loving father and he made sure that the blonde always knew that she was loved. of course, it's no excuse for lexa's pushing away of others, but it definitely is an explanation for her actions. it's the potent blend of lexa's plight and personality.

"Nghh Clar..." Lexa mumbled in her stupor.

Anya looked up from her phone. Her eyes drifted to the sleeping figure on the hospital bed. She was certain the sound she heard wasn't the occasional beep from the heart monitor.

"Cerk."

The balayage-haired girl shot up from her seat and moved towards the bed.

Lexa opened her eyes tentatively.

"Anya," Lexa stated, her voice hoarse from hibernation.

"Hey ugly." The brunette chuckled. "How you feeling?" asked Anya.

"Just perfect," Lexa joked. She groaned as she tried to sit up. "What happened?"

"You got hit by a bus," Anya stated as a matter-of-fact. "You've been out for 2 days."

Lexa winced as she felt a pang of pain in her side. "Definitely feels like it."

"I'll get the doctor."

The brunette thanked her cousin.

"Should I get Clarke as well? She hasn't left at all since your accident."

At that, Lexa furrowed her brows inquisitively. "Clarke...?"

Anya sighed, "I better get the doctor."

...

"Lexa is suffering from some memory loss as a direct result of the traumatic head injuries from the accident. It's all completely normal when recovering from a concussion. With some physical therapy, everything should go back to normal."

The doctor then looked at Lexa, and said, "You're very lucky to be alive" before leaving the room.

The brunette in question flashed him a polite smile that Anya recognized from her childhood. It's been a while since she's seen her smile that genuinely.

"Is she hot?" Lexa asked out of the blue

"Yes, objectively."

"Did we do it?"

Anya pinched the bridge of her nose dramatically, squeezed her eyes shut and said, "I would like to act like I have no idea, but yes, you did."

"So why isn't she in here already? Why's she still in the hall like an exiled criminal?" Lexa inquired.

"Because, Lexa," Anya sighed. "She broke your heart. Twice. Messed you up real bad. You were like Ron Weasley, all "I'll never be cheerful again."

Lexa chortled.

"Did I love her?"

Anya sighed not for the last time that night, "More than anything."

"Okay then."

"Okay what?" The dirty blonde frowned.

"Shouldn't that be the only thing that matters?" Lexa asked sincerely.

"Well yes, but actually no. What about Clarke?"

"What _about_ her?"

"You know, love is a two-way street, and stuff."

"Well, she's still outside, isn't she?" Lexa pointed out as a matter-of-fact. "And as you said, she's been here the full 48 hours since the crash... That must mean something."

...

Clarke was nodding off on one of the uncomfortable chairs placed in the hallway of the hospital. It was as if the chair itself (much like her friends) was urging her to go home. But she couldn't. She needed to see that Lexa was okay. Showers and sleep were the last things on her mind despite her friends' insistence.

"Lexa's awake." She heard a voice speak. However, the words didn't quite register in her mind until her eyes begrudgingly fluttered open that she noticed the figure hovering over her curled up form.

"She wants to see you."

Blue eyes widened as if a bolt of lightning shot through her quivering frame.

Clarke moved to enter the room but Anya stood in her way, unbudging.

"Lexa has been walked out on repeatedly since birth," Anya started, "If it isn't obvious enough already, that girl has _mad_ abandonment issues. She needs someone who stays. Will you be that someone? If not, just do what you do best, and leave."

The dirty blonde took a deep breath, "If you really love her, stick around, even when it's hard, especially when it's hard. Love isn't a flutter in your stomach, a blooming warmth in your chest. It isn't some stimulated synapses that signal euphoria. It's being there when someone needs you. Don't fuck it up this time."

With that, Anya walked down the hall before the blonde could respond.

...

Clarke entered the hospital ward apprehensively.

"You Clarke?" Lexa asked with a stoic demeanor. "Lexa hit head. Forgot."

Clarke looked towards the doorway as if pleading for help before she heard laughter coming from the direction of the bed.

"You should see your face," Lexa said between fits of laughter.

"You must be Clarke." The brunette gestured to her head.

"Amnesia," the brunette explained.

A look of understanding overtook the puzzled expression previously adorning the blonde's features.

"Right, retrograde amnesia. That's completely normal amongst patients that suffered head traumas."

"Show off much?" Lexa joked.

Clarke chuckled. There was that lightheartedness she once fell for.

A comfortable lull fell over the room before Lexa broke the silence.

"Anya filled me in on some stuff."

"She did, huh?" Clarke wringed her hands nervously, waiting for the hammer to fall.

"Clarke... I'm don't know exactly what went down between us, but I'm sure anybody would be lucky to have you." The blonde frowned, unsure where the conversation was headed.

"I hope I'm not all out just yet. Believe me, I can romance the crap out of you. I got moves up my sleeves you ain't even seen yet..." Clarke scoffed playfully and rolled her eyes.

"But I don't want to. I want to love you. Anybody can bring you flowers. But one thing that I can promise you is that I'll stay, no matter what. That's what love is: fighting through the hardest parts together... But I'm gonna need you to do the same. If you can't, you can leave and we'll figure out a way to be cordial when we're in the same room, when we have to be. If not..." Lexa extended her hand, "Clean slate?"

Clarke nodded and took the offered hand and Lexa smiled.

"Lexa Woods. Nice to meet ya" the brunette said with a cool expression.

"Clarke Griffin. Likewise."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im abt to take the act so i'll be gone for a bit. will prolly only update after. cheers


	9. 1953

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> no spoilers

Clarke stirred awake as sunlight streamed in apathetically. She groggily felt around the California king for her lover. Coming up with nothing but wrinkled sheets, the blonde jolted awake, her sleepiness now replaced by worry.

She padded barefooted out of the bedroom. Relief flooded her senses as the aroma of fried batter did the same. Clarke leaned on the bedroom door frame and watched as Lexa waltzed around the flour-covered kitchen. Lexa had never been a neat cook.

“How long are you going to stand there and watch me, ya creep?” the brunette asked, her back still facing the blonde. Clarke’s inner panic must’ve been more apparent than she thought. She walked into the kitchen and hugged Lexa from behind.

“What’re you making?” the blonde asked, nuzzling Lexa’s neck.

“Crepes.”

“Mmmm pretentious pancakes, yummm.”

“Crepes for a creep. Quite fitting, if you ask me,” Lexa said with an accent. Clarke ran her hands down the brunette’s front flirtatiously.

“Clarke, no,” Lexa turned around to face the blonde. “We have a four-year-old in the next room.”

That did little to deter the blonde. Her hands continued their ravenous descent. “We both know Madi wakes up at the same time everyday. We have an hour.”

The blonde guided Lexa’s hand to the apex of her thighs.

“Well then, stop,” Clarke dared, whispering hotly in the brunette’s ear.

Lexa peered into cerulean eyes only to find nothing but smug mirth. She dropped the spatula from her hand, causing a loud clatter, turned off the stove, and flipped the blonde around to face the counter in one swift movement.

Lexa hiked up Clarke’s long shirt, exposing porcelain skin, and bunched it around her waist. The blonde arched her back as Lexa dragged the head of her cock through slippery folds.

“Oh my god,” Clarke gasped as Lexa entered her, not wasting a minute. She reached back and cupped the brunette’s neck to bring her in for a kiss. Lexa then started a brutal rhythm, sweat-slicked skin slapping relentlessly.

“That’s so fucking good, baby,” the blonde moans out. Lexa grunts in response. She reached around to rub Clarke’s clit.

Lexa could feel the tell-tale tightening of Clarke’s pussy around her cock. She panted in the blonde’s ear as Clarke came on her dick.

Lexa pulled out and started stroking her member rapidly. “I love her, but we can’t get another Madi,” she explained when the blonde whimpered at the loss.

“Here, let me help,” Clarke wrapped her fingers around Lexa’s length, swiping the head with each pass. The brunette moaned.

Clarke knelt down on the floor and looked up at Lexa provocatively. She then licked up the underside of red pulsing flesh in her hand, moaning at the taste of their combined juices on Lexa’s cock.

The brunette fell forward, her arms catching the counter in time to keep her forehead from colliding with the cool marble. “Holy fuck,” she groaned in pleasure.

The blonde hollowed her cheeks and bobbed her head in Lexa’s lap.

Lexa’s knuckles turned white from gripping the counter and Clarke knew she was about to blow her load. She opened her mouth and stuck out her tongue as Lexa toppled over the proverbial edge.

“You’re fucking amazing,” Lexa smiled and caressed Clarke’s face lovingly.

“Hey kiddo,” the brunette said when she looked up to find their daughter trudging out of her bedroom, rubbing her sleep-ridden eyes.

Lexa helped Clarke off her knees and planted a sweet kiss to her cheek before strutting across their two-bedroom apartment to pick Madi up-as was her habit every morning- and placed her in her high chair.

“Look what Mama made you!” Clarke said as she watched Lexa cut a crepe up into little pieces for the kindergartener.

“Is it good?” Lexa asked, to which Madi nodded fervently.

It never ceases to amaze Clarke how incredible Lexa is with Madi.  
…

Five years ago (three weeks after Lexa’s accident), the brunette was in the middle of biting into her jumbo-sized burrito when Clarke blurted out, “I’m pregnant.”

Lexa stopped and stared at the blonde.

“I don’t know if you remember,” Clarke started, “But we had sex. About a month ago. At Anya and Raven’s housewarming party.”

“I- I’m not asking anything of you. I know you didn’t ask for this. I just thought you should know now that we’re together,” the blonde explained.

Lexa set down her food carefully while Clarke studied her expression anxiously. “That wasn’t why I came back for you…” Clarke added.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Lexa grabbed ahold of the blonde’s hands, “Of course I’m doing this with you.”

Clarke let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding.

“We’ll do this together, alright?” Lexa said.

Clarke chuckled, “You hate kids.”

“No, I don’t!” the brunette rebutted.

“A kid fell in the park yesterday and you laughed,” Clarke deadpanned.

“It was funny,” Lexa retorted. “I probably should stop,” she admitted quietly.  
…

“Is it yours?”

Lexa gawked at the dirty blonde over the rim of her cappuccino. “How can you say that?”

“What? She had a boyfriend! Tell me that wasn’t the first thing on your mind when she told you.” Anya deadpanned.

“They hadn’t had sex yet.” Lexa stated matter-of-factly, setting down the cup.

Now it was Anya’s turn to gape. “They were together for 2 months and they didn’t have sex!”

Some patrons turned to look at the source of the fracas. Lexa simply smiled at them and silently berated her cousin for that unnecessary exclamation.

“Is Clarke a witch?” Anya asked, leaning forward, as if awaiting a scandalous confession. “How does she pull off such impossible feats? Either that, or that Bellamy boy’s a sucker.”

“ _I’m_ a sucker,” the brunette admitted.

“Now that’s the understatement of the year,” Anya retorted to which Lexa chuckled. “She did crazy things to you. Still does.”

“It sometimes scares me how I’ve so freely forked over the key to my own destruction,” Lexa said quietly. “Like, am I self-destructive or just plain dumb, you know? And I’ll never know for sure if she’ll activate it or not. I just have to trust that she won’t.”

“That’s way too much power to have over another person,” Anya commented.

“Maybe you’re right,” Lexa chuckled wryly. “But we have to, we just have to. Without love, we’re no better than lowly animals; savages. Without it, life is wasted time.”

“That’s how I feel about Raven,” Anya commented. Lexa was stunned. This was the first time Anya opened up about her relationship. “But less sappy.”

Lexa rolled her eyes. “You _had_ to ruin the moment didn’t you?”

Anya chortled, “I’m gonna marry her someday.”

“Me too.”


End file.
